Maureen Daly, Seventeenth Summer
Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending
I just learned that my friend took her life a few days ago. It’s a hard thing to digest. She was a complex person and our relationship was no different. It’s really hard to understand the emotions I’m feeling right now. My first thoughts were to turn to pictures of her that I had taken, and upon doing so, I thought of the last email that I had sent her. I never heard back from her, but I feel like this email is the best way of remembering her and what she meant to me.
"You’ve been creeping into my mind over the past couple of days. A character in a movie reminded me of you, I came across a picture I took of you in Kenya… Then this afternoon I sat down in the shower and just thought about our time together and why you were special to me; what our time meant.You gave me freedom. I wasn’t afraid of how to act around you. I thought of those summer days we hung out together after returning from Kenya. I thought of how volatile you can be, how happy and free you can be. I thought of our dance party in your living room, talking on your steps. I thought of one of the more volatile times when we discussed you moving to Missouri to work on a community farm and how that conversation moved onto reality and what mattered and whether there was a reason to give a fuck about anything. I thought of you walking away from that conversation without saying goodbye while I sat on the corner and watched you go. Soup, your face, music, peace, painting, sitting in your car…I thought of your mom, your brother, those pictures of you after you had flown that plane and that kid peed on your leg. I thought about what made you the person you are.You have a special space in my life’s timeline, a little capsule of space that feels warm when reminiscing upon it, while also providing a tinge of sadness knowing that it’s gone, done and over.I just wanted to share those thoughts with you. I hope the world is treating you right. “I miss you, Autumn. I’m sorry it’s over.I’m sorry we never got to say goodbye.I love you.
Zeiss Ikon Contina - Kodak Gold 200-6